need advice

[Guest]

I love neurosurgery and have been working my butt off to prepare to match in it. I got engaged last week and we've since my fiance is not letting me do neurosurgery. she basically says any thing but neurosurgery or general surgery. she wasn't like this before the engagement. she threatens to break out engagement if I don't switch  

help!

[Guest]

Run away now while you can. That's honestly a very, very bad sign. Many fields in medicine work long hours. What if you decide to do IM and in 3 years she says no you can't do cardiology? Or you do ophtho and she says no you can't do retina and you have to be home by 5-6 PM or it's over. Your spouse has to be supportive of your career decisions and goals since that's going to be such a big part of your life.

[Guest]

Get a dog.

[Guest]

break off engagement, not even kidding - you'll resent her in the future if you don't

[Guest]

thanks guys. I told her to that I needed break

[Guest]

i am much older than you and have been in practice for 10 plus years. you need to decide whether you love her more or neurosurgery. i love my job but my marriage takes priority. if the wife told me to quit, i would quit. if she told me to rob a bank, i would rob a bank. my colleagues may not understand, but i am definitely happier than they are. in the end, its just a job.

[Guest]

I told my wife when we first started dating that she will always be the mistress to neurosurgery. The spouse has to be okay with that idea methinks.

[Guest]

(04-28-2018, 07:12 PM)Guest Wrote: I told my wife when we first started dating that she will always be the mistress to neurosurgery.  The spouse has to be okay with that idea methinks.

My ex-wife started getting upset at my schedule.  Thus the ex..

[Guest]

yes you can be like the endless parade of divorced neurosurgeons you will see at AANS with their 2nd and 3rd wives all while their kids are doing coke and their ex-wives are spending their hard earned money. pretty sweet life.

[TimeTraveler]

(04-28-2018, 02:58 PM)Guest Wrote: i am much older than you and have been in practice for 10 plus years. you need to decide whether you love her more or neurosurgery. i love my job but my marriage takes priority. if the wife told me to quit, i would quit. if she told me to rob a bank, i would rob a bank. my colleagues may not understand, but i am definitely happier than they are. in the end, its just a job.

Agree with this emphatically. 

Not sure how old the OP is, but statistically speaking depending on your frame of reference I am also much older than you. I only did neurosurgery with the enthusiastic support of my (then) fiance (now wife, huzzah!). This included a really frank discussion of what my real work hours would be over time, how this would affect our young and growing family, and what other options there were. And I told her that if she didn't want me to do it, I wouldn't. And I meant it. 

I also told her that if she changed her mind later and wanted me to quit I'd try to fix what was wrong and if I couldn't I'd retrain in medicine (ugh!) or derm (ewww...), or do research full time, or sell the Porsche and work at Starbucks. (Robbing banks actually sounds like an awesome backup plan. Will include in future discussions.) And I meant it, and (even with a ton more sunk cost) I still mean it.

I'm not big on telling strangers what to do. But if my kid told me he was going to break up with his fiance over neurosurgery I'd tell him he shouldn't marry this one regardless. Marriage is a big deal; hold out for the one that you *would* leave neurosurgery for.

And, while I still think neurosurgery is awesome, I'd also tell him to think really hard about what he's going to get from neurosurgery that he can't get some other way. I love my job, but if I think about it honestly, just about everything I love about it I could have found someplace else.

- TT